Pumpkin Spiced Latte
I know what you’re asking yourself, how much more basic can Nicole get? A whole week home and what she’s going to lead with is a Fall drink? Really?
I questioned my own choices too but I promise there’s a lot more to this pumpkin spice cinnamon infused fall in a cup drink I have here in my hand so, here we go...
Grief is hard. Pain? I hate it. But then again, who likes it? I don’t like to talk about it or dwell in it, let alone feel it. It’s been 8 1/2 years since I last saw my mother and I never let myself grieve. Who wants to be sad and to cry? It’s ok. I’ll drown myself in the choas of Jersey and it will be fine...everything’s fine...I’m fine.
Well it worked for a while (or realistically maybe it never really did at all) and now I’ve found myself alone on rooftops staring grief in the face. Unable to run, or hide and with no distractions. Well, other than the piano tune at a party near by playing if you’re happy and you know it or the dogs barking or the god forsaken roosters...you get my point. At the end of the day I felt that all of this mess was getting in the way of what God wanted to do through me for the people of Haiti and so, it has to go.
When starting the process of letting myself feel and deal with the things I’ve been avoiding, one of my hopes was that by allowing myself to feel pain and not just balled up anxiety that I would start to remember more of who my mother was.
I was so afraid that if I let go of everything that I would forget. That I would lose memories and forget who she was. But by holding all of it in, that’s exactly what happened. I began to realize that maybe I’ve repressed and lost all that I was so desperately trying to hold on to.
And so yesterday, I decided that I wanted (a second) pumpkin spice latte before flying back to Haiti. After the first few sips it dawned on me...my mom loved these! I started to remember her and my Aunt Marie talking about them and they would make fun of each other. I remember sitting in the car in the parking lot of the Pennington Starbucks so she could run in and get her yearly pumpkin spice latte and we would be so excited for the holiday cups because it meant Christmas was coming.
It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s overwhelming...but it’s worth it because, I remembered.
How you can pray for me: pray that I have the boldness, courage, and humility to continue this process and that I can have more of myself to give to where God has called me.